Ever get that feeling that everything you do is wrong? Wrong, wrong, wrong, FUCKING wrong. I get that feeling all the time lately. So I've started to think-- maybe I am wrong a lot of the time. Okay, so I admit it: I'm wrong sometimes. Awesome. We've got that part down.
But have you ever felt that the other person was wrong all the time, too? So maybe BOTH of you are wrong?
I've come to the conclusion that just because one person is wrong doesn't mean that the other person is right. You could both be wrong. Just because you've recognized your fault doesn't mean that you have to recognize that they're right.
Everything's all fucked up right now. A lot of that is my fault, and a lot of it isn't. I feel like no matter what I do or say... it's not going to make anything REALLY better. Yeah, it could calm the situation down for a couple of days or so... but eventually, I'll be right back to where I was before I calmed the situation down. I know I've fucked up. He knows I've fucked up. Everyone knows that I've fucked up. The problem is that he's never forgiven me. Not really. Little arguments blow up because of the shit he hasn't let go yet. It's not that I didn't answer my phone or that I make him feel like I don't want him... It's that PLUS the fact that I lied about being with someone else when we broke up over the Summer. Was it cheating? No. Was it wrong that I lied? That depends on who you ask... but, with our relationship, yes. It was wrong. I shouldn't have lied.
Do I deserve to be treated like shit just because he doesn't agree with what I did while we weren't together and then lied about it? In some ways, yes. In other ways, no. I don't think you can constantly hold something above the person you love's head all the time. I think about some of the shit that he's put me through, but I try so hard not to hold it above his head because I know it won't help or fix anything. I wish he'd do the same for me. And I know if he read this, he'd shake his head and say, "What the fuck? I don't fucking hold shit above your head." But even if he really doesn't, that's how it FEELS to ME. And that's part of what a relationship is about-- Taking into account what the other person feels more so than what you feel. That's a hard thing to do, but if you LOVE someone, you can do it.
I get so frustrated sometimes...
