I'm Wrong, You're Wrong-- We're All Fucking Wrong

Ever get that feeling that everything you do is wrong? Wrong, wrong, wrong, FUCKING wrong. I get that feeling all the time lately. So I've started to think-- maybe I am wrong a lot of the time. Okay, so I admit it: I'm wrong sometimes. Awesome. We've got that part down.
But have you ever felt that the other person was wrong all the time, too? So maybe BOTH of you are wrong?
I've come to the conclusion that just because one person is wrong doesn't mean that the other person is right. You could both be wrong. Just because you've recognized your fault doesn't mean that you have to recognize that they're right.
Everything's all fucked up right now. A lot of that is my fault, and a lot of it isn't. I feel like no matter what I do or say... it's not going to make anything REALLY better. Yeah, it could calm the situation down for a couple of days or so... but eventually, I'll be right back to where I was before I calmed the situation down. I know I've fucked up. He knows I've fucked up. Everyone knows that I've fucked up. The problem is that he's never forgiven me. Not really. Little arguments blow up because of the shit he hasn't let go yet. It's not that I didn't answer my phone or that I make him feel like I don't want him... It's that PLUS the fact that I lied about being with someone else when we broke up over the Summer. Was it cheating? No. Was it wrong that I lied? That depends on who you ask... but, with our relationship, yes. It was wrong. I shouldn't have lied.
Do I deserve to be treated like shit just because he doesn't agree with what I did while we weren't together and then lied about it? In some ways, yes. In other ways, no. I don't think you can constantly hold something above the person you love's head all the time. I think about some of the shit that he's put me through, but I try so hard not to hold it above his head because I know it won't help or fix anything. I wish he'd do the same for me. And I know if he read this, he'd shake his head and say, "What the fuck? I don't fucking hold shit above your head." But even if he really doesn't, that's how it FEELS to ME. And that's part of what a relationship is about-- Taking into account what the other person feels more so than what you feel. That's a hard thing to do, but if you LOVE someone, you can do it.
I get so frustrated sometimes...

Another Day

Ever feel like nothing you do is right,and nothing you will do in the future will be close to right, either?
I can't stand feeling this way. It's like I'm stuck in a fucking circle.

One Blog Spawns Another...

 
Well, it started out that I had to create a blog for journalism class, but, as it turns out, I think I could really use another.

Writing--It's the only thing that allows me to yell out how I feel without completely and totally losing my voice (among other things). So, I'm not going to do another self introduction. If you want to know more about me (as if anyones really reading this blog), feel free to send me an e-mail (artviaproxy@gmail.com), or you can just leave me a comment with your question and/or email address. Whatever.

I'm not writing this blog with any social or writing rules in mind. I'm just going to write whatever the hell I need to get out on paper (metaphoric paper, that is...).

So here we go; I'll just jump right into it:
I am sick... sick, sick, sick, sick, sick... of not being what everyone else needs me to be. It's not that I don't WANT to better myself. It's not that I don't think I NEED to. It's not that I don't CARE about anyone else. Because I do. I want to. I know I need to (to an extent). I do care. I care a whole-fucking-lot, actually. Probably more than is healthy. Caring about other fuckin' people is what got me to this fucked up place I'm in to begin with. Ooooh, no, I don't want to hurt this person by doing this! Ooooh, no, can't do that because it might upset that person! Yeah. And now here I am so used to not telling people how I feel about certain things because I'm so fucking scared that it'll hurt them. And I've been doing it for so long, that I don't know how to do anything different anymore.

So if you know me, you'll wonder, "Well, if you don't like hurting people, why do you do some of the things you do? You know it's hurting people." Let me explain something: Everyone has a breaking point. Which, in my case, I've hit going a million miles an hour. I can't take it anymore. I can't take the silence. I can't take the smiling. I can't take feeling like I shouldn't feel how I do. So yeah, I got tired of being the smiling girl that supports eveything everyone does and says. So, now everyone thinks I'm just being a bitch.

Awesome.

Wanna know something funny? I don't really give a damn who thinks I'm a bitch. I'm sick of being what everyone wants me to be. I want to be able to feel how I feel and do what I do without anyone else deciding that THEY should be the center of it all. Why is it that I can't have a bad day... without someone else having a bad day because I'm not "acting like I care?" NEWSFLASH: When people have a bad day, they don't want to fucking deal with putting on a great big fucking smile and pleasing the rest of the world. You know what I want to do when I have a bad day? Go home. Take a shower. Drink mass amounts of coffee. And chill the fuck out by myself, preferably in a dark room. I don't want to deal with people. Does that mean I don't love people, or that I CARE about how their day went? No, that just means that I would really appreciate some alone time (as in, no one I know is around me, my cell phones not ringing, etc.) so I can deal with my day on my own terms.

I’m so sorry if that’s offensive—actually, no, I’m not. I’m sick of being sorry for shit, too. Why do I always have to be sorry? Especially about how I feel? That’s fucking ridiculous. So you know what? I don’t even know. Because I can’t decide if writing this made me feel better, or if I want to seriously fuck something up more than I did before.

It was nice to meet you, by the way, if anyone’s reading this (but I doubt it). Probably no ones reading this and I’m just talking to myself as per usual. God forbid someone have to listen to something they don’t agree with.