One Blog Spawns Another...

 
Well, it started out that I had to create a blog for journalism class, but, as it turns out, I think I could really use another.

Writing--It's the only thing that allows me to yell out how I feel without completely and totally losing my voice (among other things). So, I'm not going to do another self introduction. If you want to know more about me (as if anyones really reading this blog), feel free to send me an e-mail (artviaproxy@gmail.com), or you can just leave me a comment with your question and/or email address. Whatever.

I'm not writing this blog with any social or writing rules in mind. I'm just going to write whatever the hell I need to get out on paper (metaphoric paper, that is...).

So here we go; I'll just jump right into it:
I am sick... sick, sick, sick, sick, sick... of not being what everyone else needs me to be. It's not that I don't WANT to better myself. It's not that I don't think I NEED to. It's not that I don't CARE about anyone else. Because I do. I want to. I know I need to (to an extent). I do care. I care a whole-fucking-lot, actually. Probably more than is healthy. Caring about other fuckin' people is what got me to this fucked up place I'm in to begin with. Ooooh, no, I don't want to hurt this person by doing this! Ooooh, no, can't do that because it might upset that person! Yeah. And now here I am so used to not telling people how I feel about certain things because I'm so fucking scared that it'll hurt them. And I've been doing it for so long, that I don't know how to do anything different anymore.

So if you know me, you'll wonder, "Well, if you don't like hurting people, why do you do some of the things you do? You know it's hurting people." Let me explain something: Everyone has a breaking point. Which, in my case, I've hit going a million miles an hour. I can't take it anymore. I can't take the silence. I can't take the smiling. I can't take feeling like I shouldn't feel how I do. So yeah, I got tired of being the smiling girl that supports eveything everyone does and says. So, now everyone thinks I'm just being a bitch.

Awesome.

Wanna know something funny? I don't really give a damn who thinks I'm a bitch. I'm sick of being what everyone wants me to be. I want to be able to feel how I feel and do what I do without anyone else deciding that THEY should be the center of it all. Why is it that I can't have a bad day... without someone else having a bad day because I'm not "acting like I care?" NEWSFLASH: When people have a bad day, they don't want to fucking deal with putting on a great big fucking smile and pleasing the rest of the world. You know what I want to do when I have a bad day? Go home. Take a shower. Drink mass amounts of coffee. And chill the fuck out by myself, preferably in a dark room. I don't want to deal with people. Does that mean I don't love people, or that I CARE about how their day went? No, that just means that I would really appreciate some alone time (as in, no one I know is around me, my cell phones not ringing, etc.) so I can deal with my day on my own terms.

I’m so sorry if that’s offensive—actually, no, I’m not. I’m sick of being sorry for shit, too. Why do I always have to be sorry? Especially about how I feel? That’s fucking ridiculous. So you know what? I don’t even know. Because I can’t decide if writing this made me feel better, or if I want to seriously fuck something up more than I did before.

It was nice to meet you, by the way, if anyone’s reading this (but I doubt it). Probably no ones reading this and I’m just talking to myself as per usual. God forbid someone have to listen to something they don’t agree with.